Twenty years with schizophrenia—what it's like
by Mark Davis*

This article tells about my experiences with schizophrenia. If even one person is helped or educated by it, then it will have been worth it.

Around 1980 when I was 31 and living alone in a basement apartment, I began hearing voices and experiencing visual hallucinations. Dead people in cemeteries were speaking to me. The voices led me to believe all my old friends were dead, that I was going to lead a revolution and that I should let a car hit me. I actually stood in the middle of moving traffic, but thankfully, no car hit me. The voices convinced me that the world was ending. I walked around the neighborhood many times, but finally went to my parents' house. After seeing the state I was in, they hospitalized me.

My stay in the mental hospital was actually enjoyable because it brought me into contact with people, although most of them were mentally far gone. I took a few classes while in the hospital, which I enjoyed. The hospital also served three square meals a day, but you had to wake up early and go to sleep early, a routine that you get used to. I started chain smoking to pass time between meals.

While in the hospital, I started getting a medication called Prolixin, which I take to this day. I was let out of the hospital a month later, but had to see a psychiatrist regularly and get a Prolixin shot. Since I didnÕt feel tranquilized by the drug, I eventually convinced my family that I didnÕt need to see a psychiatrist and started working again in the family business. But the voices returned and soon I was back in the hospital getting my medication. It was almost as if the voices didnÕt want me to become independent or successful.

Soon I went to a clinic to get my Prolixin shot for free, as the psychiatrists were getting expensive. I got my Prolixin shot from a nurse religiously for seven years and didnÕt hear the voices during all that time. My father passed away during this period which had a big effect on my life. Suddenly I understood what it was like to lose somebody close to you.

I moved to Manhattan in 1994. The voices slipped back into my life innocuously, talking to me day and night. I could afford a psychiatrist, as I had saved up in the Ô80s and was getting paid in my family business. My new psychiatrist believed in me and that I could attract women, a problem I had most of my adult life. In 1997 my psychiatrist recommended a great therapist, Nancy Einbinder, who was compassionate and insightful. I still see her regularly today.

A year later I discovered the Awakenings group and the late Ken Steele, a dynamic leader who tragically passed away in October, and Daniel Frey, both of whom welcomed me into the group with open arms. Ken found me a new psychiatrist, Molly Finnerty, head of the annual Picnic for Parity.

I am now taking in addition to Prolixin shot a drug called Risperdal. It helped Ken and Daniel and many other schizophrenics. Alas, the voices still plague me, but not as strongly as when unchecked. After about 30 years I finally stopped smoking (I donÕt sleep as much as when I did).

ThatÕs the story to now.